I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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