This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
