That's intense
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
