How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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