I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
