nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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