I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
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