What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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