I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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