I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
