Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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