u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just gift wrapped bread.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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