sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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