Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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