I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
