I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
