I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
