You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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