She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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