I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
