It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
