He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
