NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
