He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
