Pappa wants mamma naked
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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