Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
