Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
