oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
