If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
