I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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