he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i think i just lost a toe
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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