3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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