dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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