So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
