Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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