dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
