Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
