She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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