hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
