someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
