I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
