just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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