Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
