I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
