god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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