yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
honey bunches of taint.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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