She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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