can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
