How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
