I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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