Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
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Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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