Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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